people pleasing behavior
If you want to be respected in life, say goodbye to these 9 people-pleasing behaviors
Look, I get it. I’m a people-pleaser too. There are no secrets between us here.
People-pleasing is a complicated coping mechanism you probably developed many years ago, and now that you no longer want it, it doesn’t seem to go away.
The good news is that you absolutely can overcome your people-pleasing tendencies. I know because I have.
However, there’s one thing you’ve got to do first: recognize your people-pleasing behaviors for what they are. Here are the main 9.
1) Slicing yourself into pieces just to accommodate everyone’s wishes
Let’s just admit it. You and I both find it extremely uncomfortable when someone dislikes us for whatever reason.
You can’t come to your classmate’s party? What if you say no and she flips out?
You can’t do a favor for your co-worker? What if they start to think you’re selfish and stop being friends with you?
It sounds like silly high school drama, but the anxious brain does what it wants – it creates a mountain out of a molehill at every opportunity because it views being disliked as a sign of danger.
By preparing yourself for every bad outcome and trying to prevent it from happening, you’re essentially attempting to keep yourself safe from harm.
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The issue is that conflicts with other people are a natural part of life. Plus, the more you try to say “no” and put yourself first, the more you’ll realize that most people are very easy-going and are too busy living their own lives to worry about yours.
Stop slicing yourself into pieces just so that everyone gets a bite. Mend yourself back together and give yourself the self-compassion and self-care you need.
2) Refusing to stand your ground
Speaking of facing confrontational situations, it’s time to say what’s on your mind.
I know, I know. It’s really freaking scary. I’ve been there. But do you know what the alternative is?
Having inauthentic friendships built on shaky foundations because you’re putting on a mask every time you silently disagree with what your friend is saying.
I used to be the exact same. Each time my friends put forth an opinion, I tried to offer my own view for perhaps half a minute before I gave up the moment I felt a spark of conflict in the air.
A few years later, I realized that my silent attitude had led me to develop feelings of scorching hot bitterness and resentment.
Not only that but my friends got used to crossing my boundaries because I never called them out on it.
The resulting dynamic was so unhealthy that it became extremely difficult to fix it.
3) Ignoring and invalidating your own feelings
Of course, I did get into a few fights with my friends over the years.
And how I felt during those disagreements was very interesting indeed.
Looking back, I now realize that every time I entered a conflict, I automatically obsessed over the feelings of others – “He must be so hurt, I hate how angry she is, what can I do to make it better” – while completely ignoring my own.
I had the right to be upset, too. But somehow, that didn’t matter. My energy was only ever targeted at the feelings of others. Never my own.
When I’m thrown into some sort of conflict now, I actively try to name my feelings and sit with them. This helps me recognize and validate my own emotions and the part I have to play in the conflict at hand.
4) Clinging onto other people’s opinions of you
Here’s the deal.
Not everyone will like you. I know it’s difficult to accept this – I’ve had to go through the painful process myself – but embracing this fact can really set you free.
Think of three people you’ve met throughout your life and didn’t like very much. Maybe you just didn’t get along; maybe you thought them selfish or cruel; maybe there was just something about them that felt off.
How often do you think about those people? How big a role do they play in your daily life?
My guess is that you barely even think about them at all.
That’s how people who don’t like you feel about you. You might cross their mind from time to time, but overall, they’re simply too busy focusing on themselves to spare you a thought.
You, on the other hand…
You think about yourself every day. Shouldn’t your opinion of yourself matter more?
5) Overexplaining yourself
Providing too many explanations when none is needed is one of the most common people-pleasing symptoms.
It’s also really easy to identify, which helps you recognize your behavior for what it is and wave it goodbye.
Did you know that when someone asks you out or invites you to a party, you don’t need to give them reasons as to why you can’t come?
Yeah. I was oblivious to this little fact for ages as well. Then I learned that “I can’t go, I’m sorry” or “I’m busy, but thank you” were sufficient explanations.
Using them in real life and receiving completely normal responses was very empowering. It made me realize I didn’t owe anyone any explanation.
Your life is yours. Disclose however much or however little information you want.
6) Staying in toxic relationships
People-pleasers are generally much more likely to stay in toxic or unhealthy relationships because we constantly think about everyone but ourselves.
When we get hurt, we swallow it down.
When we want to bring up an issue, we give up at the first sign of conflict.
When we want to break up with someone, we’re terrified of hurting them and being portrayed as “the bad guy”.
Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve had my fair share of toxic relationships and friendships, and every time, I stayed for way too long before I finally broke free.
So, if this sounds familiar, take this article as your sign to finally take a step back and think about how the relationship is benefiting you.
Do you feel happy? Inspired? Emotionally supported? Safe?
Pay careful attention to your answers.
7) Living inauthentically
One of my best friends recently decided to pursue a postgraduate degree.
Well, “decided” may be too strong a word. Her parents are both academics, and they essentially established this path for her long before she had anything to say about it.
Before she left, she told me she didn’t actually want to do this degree. She’d much rather work, take some time to herself, focus on her relationships, and explore her hobbies. After a lifetime of constant academic work, she was burnt out and exhausted.
But she went ahead and did it anyway. She is now running herself into the ground trying to pass, all so that she doesn’t disappoint her parents.
I had a shot at another academic path as well. But I declined. And I’m extremely happy that I did because I now get to write, travel, and focus on my well-being.
I knew that pursuing academia would sound cool, but it would be extremely inauthentic of me to do so. I’d work hard on getting another title, and for what? Five seconds of “Wow” and “You’re impressive” once in a while?
No, thanks.
This isn’t to say that academia is bad, of course. It can actually be really amazing. But what I am saying is that some people truly enjoy it for what it is while others only pursue it because they want to look impressive in front of others.
The first is authentic. The latter not so much.
8) Simmering in bitterness and hurt
When you spend your whole life catering to other people’s needs and suppressing your own, you might wake up one day and realize that you feel deeply bitter and resentful.
And that bitterness is often targeted at specific people, usually your close ones.
Personally, I felt this way about one of my best friends. We lived together, which meant that I constantly prioritized her well-being above my own with no breaks in between.
Until one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. Our friendship fell apart.
I’ve incorporated a new strategy since then. Every time something’s bothering me in one of my friendships, I try to bring it up as soon as possible so that it doesn’t grow into something bigger.
That way, our boundaries are established early on, our expectations are clear, and our bitterness doesn’t get a chance to grow.
9) Having low self-worth
Low self-worth is more of a state of mind than a specific behavior, but it does manifest in multiple different actions, so it bears mentioning.
Low confidence lies at the core of everything above.
It’s what drives you to seek external validation, what helps you avoid conflict at all cost, and what makes you feel like you don’t matter.
But you do. You matter so much more than you think. It’s about time you accept that.
Your voice deserves to be heard. Your space deserves to be claimed. Your worth deserves to be validated.
And the only person who can do that is… you.
Who’s your “Friends” alter-ego?
That’s it for the article, but before you leave…
Have you ever debated with your friends about which ‘Friends’ character you’re most like? Who out of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe you really resonate with?
Well, now’s your chance to find out!
We’ve created a fun new quiz which matches you with your Friends alter-ego. Answer a few simple questions and we’ll match you with the character that truly matches your personality.
Ready to find out who you’d be hanging out with at Central Perk?
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If you want to be respected in life, say goodbye to these 9 people-pleasing behaviors
Look, I get it. I’m a people-pleaser too. There are no secrets between us here.
People-pleasing is a complicated coping mechanism you probably developed many years ago, and now that you no longer want it, it doesn’t seem to go away.
The good news is that you absolutely can overcome your people-pleasing tendencies. I know because I have.
However, there’s one thing you’ve got to do first: recognize your people-pleasing behaviors for what they are. Here are the main 9.
1) Slicing yourself into pieces just to accommodate everyone’s wishes
Let’s just admit it. You and I both find it extremely uncomfortable when someone dislikes us for whatever reason.
You can’t come to your classmate’s party? What if you say no and she flips out?
You can’t do a favor for your co-worker? What if they start to think you’re selfish and stop being friends with you?
It sounds like silly high school drama, but the anxious brain does what it wants – it creates a mountain out of a molehill at every opportunity because it views being disliked as a sign of danger.
By preparing yourself for every bad outcome and trying to prevent it from happening, you’re essentially attempting to keep yourself safe from harm.
The issue is that conflicts with other people are a natural part of life. Plus, the more you try to say “no” and put yourself first, the more you’ll realize that most people are very easy-going and are too busy living their own lives to worry about yours.
Stop slicing yourself into pieces just so that everyone gets a bite. Mend yourself back together and give yourself the self-compassion and self-care you need.
2) Refusing to stand your ground
Speaking of facing confrontational situations, it’s time to say what’s on your mind.
I know, I know. It’s really freaking scary. I’ve been there. But do you know what the alternative is?
Having inauthentic friendships built on shaky foundations because you’re putting on a mask every time you silently disagree with what your friend is saying.
I used to be the exact same. Each time my friends put forth an opinion, I tried to offer my own view for perhaps half a minute before I gave up the moment I felt a spark of conflict in the air.
A few years later, I realized that my silent attitude had led me to develop feelings of scorching hot bitterness and resentment.
Not only that but my friends got used to crossing my boundaries because I never called them out on it.
The resulting dynamic was so unhealthy that it became extremely difficult to fix it.
3) Ignoring and invalidating your own feelings
Of course, I did get into a few fights with my friends over the years.
And how I felt during those disagreements was very interesting indeed.
Looking back, I now realize that every time I entered a conflict, I automatically obsessed over the feelings of others – “He must be so hurt, I hate how angry she is, what can I do to make it better” – while completely ignoring my own.
I had the right to be upset, too. But somehow, that didn’t matter. My energy was only ever targeted at the feelings of others. Never my own.
When I’m thrown into some sort of conflict now, I actively try to name my feelings and sit with them. This helps me recognize and validate my own emotions and the part I have to play in the conflict at hand.
4) Clinging onto other people’s opinions of you
Here’s the deal.
Not everyone will like you. I know it’s difficult to accept this – I’ve had to go through the painful process myself – but embracing this fact can really set you free.
Think of three people you’ve met throughout your life and didn’t like very much. Maybe you just didn’t get along; maybe you thought them selfish or cruel; maybe there was just something about them that felt off.
How often do you think about those people? How big a role do they play in your daily life?
My guess is that you barely even think about them at all.
That’s how people who don’t like you feel about you. You might cross their mind from time to time, but overall, they’re simply too busy focusing on themselves to spare you a thought.
You, on the other hand…
You think about yourself every day. Shouldn’t your opinion of yourself matter more?
5) Overexplaining yourself
Providing too many explanations when none is needed is one of the most common people-pleasing symptoms.
It’s also really easy to identify, which helps you recognize your behavior for what it is and wave it goodbye.
Did you know that when someone asks you out or invites you to a party, you don’t need to give them reasons as to why you can’t come?
Yeah. I was oblivious to this little fact for ages as well. Then I learned that “I can’t go, I’m sorry” or “I’m busy, but thank you” were sufficient explanations.
Using them in real life and receiving completely normal responses was very empowering. It made me realize I didn’t owe anyone any explanation.
Your life is yours. Disclose however much or however little information you want.
6) Staying in toxic relationships
People-pleasers are generally much more likely to stay in toxic or unhealthy relationships because we constantly think about everyone but ourselves.
When we get hurt, we swallow it down.
When we want to bring up an issue, we give up at the first sign of conflict.
When we want to break up with someone, we’re terrified of hurting them and being portrayed as “the bad guy”.
Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve had my fair share of toxic relationships and friendships, and every time, I stayed for way too long before I finally broke free.
So, if this sounds familiar, take this article as your sign to finally take a step back and think about how the relationship is benefiting you.
Do you feel happy? Inspired? Emotionally supported? Safe?
Pay careful attention to your answers.
7) Living inauthentically
One of my best friends recently decided to pursue a postgraduate degree.
Well, “decided” may be too strong a word. Her parents are both academics, and they essentially established this path for her long before she had anything to say about it.
Before she left, she told me she didn’t actually want to do this degree. She’d much rather work, take some time to herself, focus on her relationships, and explore her hobbies. After a lifetime of constant academic work, she was burnt out and exhausted.
But she went ahead and did it anyway. She is now running herself into the ground trying to pass, all so that she doesn’t disappoint her parents.
I had a shot at another academic path as well. But I declined. And I’m extremely happy that I did because I now get to write, travel, and focus on my well-being.
I knew that pursuing academia would sound cool, but it would be extremely inauthentic of me to do so. I’d work hard on getting another title, and for what? Five seconds of “Wow” and “You’re impressive” once in a while?
No, thanks.
This isn’t to say that academia is bad, of course. It can actually be really amazing. But what I am saying is that some people truly enjoy it for what it is while others only pursue it because they want to look impressive in front of others.
The first is authentic. The latter not so much.
8) Simmering in bitterness and hurt
When you spend your whole life catering to other people’s needs and suppressing your own, you might wake up one day and realize that you feel deeply bitter and resentful.
And that bitterness is often targeted at specific people, usually your close ones.
Personally, I felt this way about one of my best friends. We lived together, which meant that I constantly prioritized her well-being above my own with no breaks in between.
Until one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. Our friendship fell apart.
I’ve incorporated a new strategy since then. Every time something’s bothering me in one of my friendships, I try to bring it up as soon as possible so that it doesn’t grow into something bigger.
That way, our boundaries are established early on, our expectations are clear, and our bitterness doesn’t get a chance to grow.
9) Having low self-worth
Low self-worth is more of a state of mind than a specific behavior, but it does manifest in multiple different actions, so it bears mentioning.
Low confidence lies at the core of everything above.
It’s what drives you to seek external validation, what helps you avoid conflict at all cost, and what makes you feel like you don’t matter.
But you do. You matter so much more than you think. It’s about time you accept that.
Your voice deserves to be heard. Your space deserves to be claimed. Your worth deserves to be validated.
And the only person who can do that is… you.
Who’s your “Friends” alter-ego?
That’s it for the article, but before you leave…
Have you ever debated with your friends about which ‘Friends’ character you’re most like? Who out of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe you really resonate with?
Well, now’s your chance to find out!
We’ve created a fun new quiz which matches you with your Friends alter-ego. Answer a few simple questions and we’ll match you with the character that truly matches your personality.
Ready to find out who you’d be hanging out with at Central Perk?
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Academics & Students
Authors & Publishers
Businesses & Professionals
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